It’s not feeling like Mabon

When I first started my Path, I was completely confused about why in the world the first day of summer would be called Midsummer. It was the beginning of summer. Don’t try to rush my summer away!

Then I started to dig deeper and I learned about my ancestors’ solar calendar and that Midsummer is halfway through on of their two seasons: summer and winter.

Ostara is the first day of Summer.

Mabon is the first day of Winter.

Solarly, that is.

It’s still in the 80s here in Raleigh and while the leaves have begun to change, I’m not in the spirit of Mabon.

I’m not yet wearing sweaters and boots. I’m not yet in jeans and sweater leggings.

I’m still in tank tops and shorts. I’m still going strong with sundresses.

But as I learned over the summer, you don’t do offers and libations when you feel close to the Gods. You do offers and libations to connect with the Gods. The offers and libations come first.

So, I put out the general fall decor today. Hung my leaf and acorn garland. The Raven candle holder is on the dining room table.

Even though the leaves are just starting change, it’s beginning to feel a lot like fall at home.

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A whirlwind

I’m still here. Holding down the homestead and going strong.

Kindergarten has started for Witchlette.

Preschool has started for Witchling.

I’ve just concluded my fourth week of the school year and even though I feel as though I haven’t had a full week of instruction yet, and I feel utterly exhausted.

I’m took the day off to celebrate Witchling’s birthday. Witchlette’s birthday will always be a day off for us for her whole childhood. It won’t be that way for Witchling, so I am soaking it all in while I can.

It was very stressful in the beginning. Getting Witchlette to school while also getting to work and having time to get everything done. Then leaving work on time to get Witchlette from school and often leaving with a pile of stuff undone. Stuff that could wait until the next day, knowing that more would come by the morning and having the pike just grown.

One evening while walking the dogs, I calculated it. I am missing an hour of productivity time with carpool time. That’s it. Not a massive amount of hours. One.

So a few days a week, I have been bringing my computer home and doing work while the kids have their evening tv time. They’re unwinding with screen time and it’s not like I’m missing engaging moments. Then I still get hobby time after they go to bed. And I’m not sacrificing anything.

530 wake ups have consistently happened, excpet for Florence mornings because nope nope nope. 530 I walk the dogs and have my quiet meditation time before Hubby’s alarm goes off. I get in a quick yoga-based stretch while he brushes his teeth and then Witchlette’s alarm goes off and the day really begins.

Unbalanced balance is where I take up residence now and I’m not just treading through the chaos, I’m doing water ballet.

A card reading from Sh over the summer revealed that the transition would come to stride and it would just be a transition. I’m glad to have found that place before September even ended.

First time in a long time…

The lure of stay at home mom has always been strong for me. After all, it’s how I was raised.

In the back of my mind, it was always something that I wanted.

Going back to work after Witchlette was born wasn’t by any means easy, but it wasn’t overly difficult either. It just was. I transitioned back to work and life continued. We had bills to pay and, if nothing else, couldn’t afford health insurance without the benefits from my job even if my take home pay was significantly decreased with the cost of childcare.

The first summer of stay at home mommy time with Witchlette was magical. It was glorious. It also included a two to three hour nap period where I got to just binge on my own shows and take my own naps. The second summer with just Witchlette was much more tiring, mostly because I also was carrying Witchling. Nap time as we knew it was gone at home, though she did still occasionally fall asleep on the couch. As did I. Both summers ended and both transitioned into new school years with a return to work.

The lure of stay at home mom was always there, but it was just an illusion.

My maternity leave with Witchling started just a few weeks later. The lure ended and the drive and desire was strong. The postpartum issues were strong. Returning to work just 12 weeks later was heartbreaking. It wasn’t returning to my normal routine, it was the death of a dream.

The next summers, leading up to Witchling’s first and second birthdays, still held the pull of throwing my hands in the air and walking away from it all. Spending all of my time with my kids and just being a full-time parent. I’m an amazing mom.

But I’ve watched other friends who are full time moms, or who were full time moms and walked away from it. They were good mom’s, but they lost a balance to themselves.

Perhaps I am an amazing mom because I’m a mom that works. Perhaps because I prioritize my time with the littles, I am better.

This summer was the first time that the pull wasn’t there in three years. This summer was the first time since Witchling’s been born that I haven’t felt the need to throw my hands up at work and walk away.

My summers are sacred and I am going to extreme measures to keep them with both kids (hello charter school!). I will always revel in my full time momhood. And keeping them to the fullest. But I am back to seeing thaty time for what it is: a vacation.

What they want, a rambling reprise

Yesterday, Hubby and I found the perfect shelf to finish off my altar space. This leave a place for tools to remain easily accessible, versus in a drawer behind the space where I keep loose herbs and extra candles.

With Odin, Eir, and Heimdall moving to their new places, only Loki, Ullr, and Tyr remained. Tyr wanted to be close to the dogs, but didn’t specify where. The dogs are wherever we are, typically. But I needed Loki to stay with Tyr to keep him in check. Ullr wanted his own space too, but he wasn’t coming in clearly. Everything was muddled and fuddled.

Things were better since the beautiful ritual R shared at CotE that morning. Healing and cathertic. Big changes are coming with kindergarten and I feel like I’m making everything balance on my shoulders. My work schedule releases earlier. We have two awesome grandma’s ready and waiting in the wings. Hubby has said, in a deer-in-headlights what if we (read: I) can’t do it all, that he is prepared to make time with work stuff too and that we (read: we) can do it all. Saying this aloud in a safe space, my need to do everything and not lose myself [again], with the purpose of cleansing right along with the rest of my community, many of whom shared their own personal growth works and commitments they need to uphold, lifted a nervous knot in my stomach that planted itself last Monday. By giving the knot words, I took away it’s power over myself because now I have a focus- to not lose myself. (hold that thought)

But still, muddled and fuddled.

Looking at the altar, I realized I was tiptoeing around Loki. I had an idea and got some supplies together. As Hubby saw me carefully wrapping Loki in cotton and placing him in a box, he joked and said if only we had a snake to hang above him. I giggled, but it was brilliant. I drew a snake on the box and the crazy energy I’ve been feeling the last few weeks disappated.

There’s too much retrograde right now to invite chaos. I don’t hate chaos in fact, I usually function in controlled chaos. But right now, I needed to bind that shit, at least for the moment.

With Loki dealt with, I brought Tyr downstairs and set him up with Eir. They both like their new place.

I put Ullr down in the living room and, as Hubby and I spent time together, Ullr came in loud and clear: he wants to live in Witchling’s room. Hubby chuckled at the appropriateness of the move.

This morning, after he awoke, I went into Witchling’s room and placed Ullr there.

Now, there are two. And the lovely tapestry I created. And the awesome shelf Hubby found and hung.

(Resume thought from above)

I’ve been riding the struggle bus for the three weeks that I said I would awake early to go through my morning routine, work or no work. And I didn’t pick up an evening routine because watching TV and trolling the internet just felt more rewarding in the moment. Perhaps it was too cluttered. Likely also my focus was too pessimistic to be motivated. Struggle bus never made it to the station this morning and I rode the 5:35 motivation bus instead. I walked the dogs, did my morning prayers to Frigg, and then Witchlette bounded into the room just in time to start yoga. She got her yoga mat and we had a great session this morning.

What they want, they get

Confession time:

Our front room, second living space, dubbed “the library” because that was my childhood goal…

Our front room is the last room with boxes, and much of the boxes are stuff that needs to make it’s way to the crafting space upstairs, which is also a chaotic moving clusterfuck.

I lost my patience for getting to the library eventually and cleared the space out myself Friday.

Ahh…much better!

Ok, background for the next part…

A few times, I have put some of my alter totems into a cabinet as things were being cleaned, or as certain rituals were being conducted and during which the presence of other deities would have been distracting both visually and spiritually. There was a point when Tyr, Odin, Loki, and Heimdall were in the cabinet for two weeks. They were not happy. Odin was pissed. When I did the Full 13 moon, everyone but Frigg was cabinetted. Frigg has never been cabinetted.

Last week, two more pieces have arrived, in the form of Ullr and Eir.

(Some people collect mugs, I collect gods 🀷😊)

The altar is getting crowded. I have shelves which will [eventually] be hung and some of the totems will move there.

During meditation yesterday, Odin made it clear he does not want to be in my bedroom. He wants to live in the library.

Heimdall wants to be on the front table, by the door.

Eir wants to be able to see the kitchen. Respectfully, she doesn’t want to be in the kitchen, likely because that is already space dedicated to Frigg, but she wants to be close.

Tyr wants to be close to the dogs, and it feels weird moving him away from Loki. Like, he keeps Loki in check. Loki doesn’t want to be on my altar, but also hasn’t specified a space where he will land. I like him sandwiched between Thor and Tyr where he is presently.

Hubby has been on board with everything else so far, why not to having Gods move in around the house. He took to them having new homes around the house really well.

Blessed August!

August is here. The beginning of the harvest season for our Northern European ancestors, though much of these dates don’t align with the Southeast.

August first means that today is Lughnasadh.

Today may also be called Lammas.

Today is also known as Freyfaxi.

I do not have a strong relationship with Freyr, or Celtic deities, so we refer to this day as Lammas.

Yesterday afternoon, I made some cornbread specifically for breakfast today.

I added honey to the batter, including incribing Jera, the rune for harvest.

I was able to get 13 muffins. πŸ˜‹

Breakfast with blueberries.

I wish everyone a blessed beginning of the harvest season, by whatever name you call it. May you enjoy a bounty at your table.

Enough?

I consented once, to someone who holds more knowledge than me, in certain aspects. To someone who, during cakes and ale, interrupted the ritual to ask if I was going to bless them before sharing them. To someone who commented that he feels I am not Heathen enough because I do not follow the ways of Kindreds.

I have never claimed to be Asatru, and I know what I do is not what Kindreds do.

I know I do not belong with the Kindred folk.

But my Gods are Heathen Gods, and my relationship with them makes me Heathen enough.

I may be the token Heathen, but I do not walk alone. My pack runs deep and strong.

I am blessed to have my tribe, and I love every one of them with every fiber of my being.

I revoked my consent. I almost gave it again. Hurt me once, shame on you. Hurt me twice, shame on me. I do not give my consent. Shield wall raised.

Blessings to my tribe.