I’ve been holding onto a thought since October.
The modern enigma: balance.
Here, I’m not thinking of work-life balance. I thinking of inner balance.
The heavy thoughts started in October, as I ventured out on my one while camping, searching for a meditation site. And oh boy did I find it.
I meditated on the balance needed to function between wife, mother, teacher, and person separate from all of those facets.
I looked to Frigg. The mother, yes, but also the wife, master of the house, and standalone woman who is not defined by her relationships but rather by her meaning to society as a whole.
I have searched for and meditated on Frigg as the wife figure and while she wholly is, she is so much more pivotal as mother that even I have trouble reconciling her as both.
Confession time: I tend to lose myself in my relationships. I always have. Everything I am boils down to who I am in conjunction to X persona. Heck, I am where I am on my spiritual path today because of the ending of my mortal relationship with my sister. I am so head-over-heels with my kiddos that I often choose not to do other events when the kids don’t want to. Other times, despite not wanting to, I go. And I have a really good time. But I get home and hear stories of all that I missed that afternoon and despite enjoying the “my” time, I feel what has been missed to be worth so much more. There are times when I feel, real or perceived, that wanting to be with my kids is wrong. That I need to be without them to be whole. And so I’ve been riding this pendulum since I came out of the darkness with Witchling: All In Mama and Going Out Mama.
I keep swinging between being Mama is “my thing” and being Mama can’t be “my thing” because one day “my thing” will leave me, as it should be, and go stake their own claim and establish their own “thing”. The swinging, really, just left me with heartache and whiplash. Because I am a mom who works. I have “my thing” 6-7 hours a day. I love what I do and I have embraced being unapologetically good at it. It’s my thing, but not my only thing. Trivia night with other moms. Divination and Tea. Showing up late for book club but being welcomed anyway. Being a friend to those who both love my children and respect my want to spend my non-working time with them. Because frankly, my kids are fucking awesome and I have never bought into the mom culture of having kids to get away from them. I want to be around my kids.
I said this aloud to my friend G this evening: I am leaving the shame, real or perceived, from those who don’t have kids, or who have grown kids, over how I spend my downtime in 2018. I am doing what feels right for me and my family, even if it’s not in vogue. If an event is outside of work but before bedtime, and are either unable to attend and unwilling to attend, my chance of attending is decreasing. It’s what has been happening, but I’ve felt I’m doing it “wrong”. And I let what I perceive others to think of my actions dictate how I feel about my actions. I’m not raising them. I’ve got to tune in harder to what matters most.