Everyone pressures everyone else. I pressure all of those around me…Hubby, Little Witches, Mom, students, colleagues, friends… I want everyone to be the best them at all times because I selfishly want the best them for myself.
This is not meant out of callousness and is not done directly, outside of disciplining the Little ones who sometimes need redirection.
I feel the pressure from everyone too. Be the best Mother, Wife, Teacher, Friend, Witch…
I allowed this pressure to internalize, as I allow most everything to internalize. I’m an internalizer. Something around me goes wrong and I see myself as a failure. I allowed this pressure to continue to push myself. I found myself going in circles. Although, I guess it was more of cycles. I really enjoy something, so I am going to do it more often. Yet, that means I will be unable to do something else. There’s always a give and take.
I really like attending Full Moon rituals, book club meetings, trivia night as part of the 3 Hot Mamas…I also love snuggling with my kids while they laugh at cartoons, spending time sitting at the kitchen table with Hubby in the quiet night and just talking, coming home from a busy day at work to a clean house because the time was put towards that cleaning the night before.
I wanted to have it all. I figured out ways to have it all, but having it all was exhausting. So I found myself internalizing and just snuggling in. I have gone through this cycle about 4 times since Witchling was born. Having it all, until it all becomes too much work and just focusing on what’s best.
Some friends mention how long it’s been, and I enjoyed the event, so I feel this pressure to do more again. And so it goes until it doesn’t go anymore.
Last Monday, I had an unfiltered moment with my dearest S where I said I was going to be pulling back from some things not because I feel like I have to because I have overwhelmed myself again, but rather because I want to. Because It’s better this time because I don’t feel like I am losing myself in the kids. I don’t feel like the kids are my only “thing”. They just have so much going on and I want to be there for all of it, and everything else gets put on the side. Because one day everything else will still be there, in one form or another, and they won’t. Heck, they’ve already grown so much.
There would be heartwarming moments that I would miss. Moments like tonight when Witchlette, who is battling a small cold, coughed. Witchling, without prompting or asking and in less than five seconds after her cough, stood up and got her his water cup. Because when you cough, drinking helps. And because he genuinely is concerned for her. Because he genuinely cares.
Moments like this are the little bits that I would be sacrificing. That I have been sacrificing. That I try to convince myself that it’s ok to do so.
And sometimes it is. Sometimes it’s necessary because responsibility calls away.
As the sun continues its journey and we dive further into the dark half of the year, I am getting my hygge on and reveling in my nights at home.