Clarity

Published December 7, 2016 by Lunapo

I wasn’t a great mommy today. 

This morning, Witchlette came into our room around 5:30 asking for hugs. I gave her a big hug and carried her to the potty then back to bed. I rubbed her back as she settled back under the covers and when she was nestled in, gave her one more hug before retreating to my covers for another few minutes. 

The rest of the morning was a typical morning. The kids are a small breakfast at home while hubby and I prepped and packed. Then I brought the kids to school. My drop off is 30-40 minutes long as I am able to stay with the kids since my work schedule changed from 7:15 to 8:30 start times. Witchlette and I spent our usual 15 minutes in the baby room with Witchling before moving to the big kid room to say our goodbyes. This morning she clung to me in a way she hasn’t since she was about a year old. I calmed her and got her to a point where she was comfortable and confident enough to let go and for me to walk away. 

I went to work and the day seemed as though it would be a normal day. I got a lot accomplished work wise. I had some chexmix around noon and the remnants of the staff luncheon at 2:30. My 1:00 meeting ran late so I didn’t get to the pickings til they were all picked. I also didn’t bring my own lunch to supplement because I knew the menu and knew I wanted some. 

Slim pickings of a late lunch then four more meetings. Got the kids, got home, started dinner. While it was cooking, read some books in Witchlette’s room. Went back down to check on dinner only to find out the potatoes were still raw so we needed a backup plan. Hubby began prepping leftovers from other nights. Witchling was beside himself with hangry. I was dizzy and had a headache by this point. Witchling’s food was done first and I sat him down to feed him and he wouldn’t take any of it. He started screaming and I put down his fork and walked away. Hubby was able to get him calmed and starting to eat, made Witchlette’s food, then called me back down when my plate was on the table. The rest of the evening, the headache persisted and my fuse remained short towards both kids. I happily sent Witchling to bed- because I needed a break as much as because he needed to go to sleep. 

Not my best performance. But now, I am vegging out to BtVS S7E20 “Touched” and relishing in the “unattainable” speech. Tonight I will get some sleep and tomorrow will be another day. 

A few short months ago, I wouldn’t be able to day that. A few short weeks ago, because I recognized that I am only human and need to satisfy my basic needs before I can be the optimal mama, I would have dragged myself through the mud. But now that I am on the other side, I can see things for what they really are: hungry and tired parent who needs to call today done and try again tomorrow. Because tomorrow is another day. 

Last Friday was a highly emotional day. It was the first day of my first cycle after the end of nursing. Hormones were raging between menstruation and the end of breastfeeding. I had a very high-stress meeting with a very high-stress parent who made very nasty untrue statements to and about me in the meeting. I stepped away to allow for an emotional release and collect myself (while my colleagues who remained, I have been told by all of them, came to my defense and refuted what the parent said). The meeting continued and finished with my best foot forward inspite of what transpired. That would not have happened a mere few weeks ago. 

It’s wonderful when it comes as a reward

Monday was a good day at work. I connected with a parent and assisted her in getting things straight for her child. She hugged me and left with happy tears. She also mentioned that someone from “downtown” stated that I would be “a breath of fresh air” to work with and she said she felt they were right. Today, I was told by the principal that he knows I know my stuff and likes knowing he can see me for a complete answer. He also stated I am “very sharp”. Today I also connected with a guardian to help her get legality issues straight for a child she has custody over in another county. Again, the guardian left informed and empowered and grateful. 
I say all this because I would not be able to when I was still unwell. I say all this because I have gone into remission, as my doctor stated it. I say all this because despite my lowest night when I saw a clear vision of how to make it so I would no longer be on the mortal plane, I am still here and I am a great mama. 

Except for tonight. 

And that’s ok. 

But I wouldn’t have known that a few months ago. 

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2 comments on “Clarity

  • You ARE a great mama, I am sure of that. Your warmth and love for your family practically oozes from what you write, you know that? It’s alright to not be perfect. Healing takes time and that’s alright!

    You know those emergency info pictures on airplanes, where they tell parents to first put on their OWN oxygen mask, before putting the child’s on? Feels counterintuitive but it’s so, so important. Self care is after all what will make you able to care for your loved ones too, and that should be recognized. Take the time you need, take care of yourself, heal.

    I wish you all the best.
    /Fny

    • Thank you very much for your kind words. I have come very very far to know that not being perfect is ok, to know that if I don’t take care of me I can’t take care of them. Blessings to you )0(

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