Gratitude month: day 18

The best and the light. 

I’ve always been a worrier. It got worse when I was going through surgery and treatment to conceive the baby who would become my Witchlette. It got much better once she was here. It practically faded away. Because I worked at it. I found a mantra and I spent weeks meditating in it. I internalized it, made it a part of my story. I focused on the best and the light. 

  

Worry came back harder and stronger with Witchling. This hit a peak earlier this week when I broke down (triggered by laundry undone) and sobbed over “failing” because I set my own bar so high with Witchlette. 15 months of nursing. Witchlette slept through the night before I went back to work so I was able to pump and store a spare feeding from the get-go and have a lot of milk to get her through the school year. Pumping at work wasn’t as productive as overnight because I have a great supply thanks to sleep hormones and I can’t nap at work (which is a crime if you as me! lol). Witchling is now the same age as Witchlette when she started sleeping through the night and he’s not there yet. I don’t expect him to be. Witchlette was a natural wonder she started so young. But I’m not pumping as much overnight. And what if we have to supplement. Because for me, that’s failing. Not because formula is failing but because I set a bar so high for myself. Because for me, anything less than what I was able to give Witchlette is me failing Witchling.

After my breakdown, I sat quietly and had a thought pop into my head. It grew into an acrostic poem that I now have taped to my bathroom mirror. 

Worthless
Obsession
Relentlessly 
Ruining
You

Since that moment, I’ve been able to focus on the best and the light. Because I don’t want to attract what I don’t want. I want to attract the best and the light. 

  

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