B is for Boxes and Labels

The final weekly prompt on The Pagan Experience is taking a page from PBP and doing letters of the alphabet. Authors will have the option of two consecutive letters each month. This month is A and B.

I have chosen B to fit into a post that I have been trying to write…to try and put words to these feelings of confusion and lostness. To try and explain the unexplainable. To try and not sound like I am just ping-ponging around. To try and sound like I actually have conviction. To try and sound like I am not backtracking or that I am flip-flopping.

I have had a very profound experience with the divine. I have written about it previously. I regularly open and expand my chakras and my crown chakra- the link to the divine- is always the strongest. It is a wonderfully strong connection to the divine that I thoroughly enjoy experiencing. I put a name with the divine that I think I have been feeling and I have tried to connect closer to that specific deity.

In vain.

It could be that I am going about it the wrong way. It could be that I am having wishful thinking that my conscience wants to point me in one direction but my connection is with another.

It could be that I’m too smart for it.

I’m too smart for my own spiritual good.

I believe in and understand science. I find beauty and divinity in science.

And the science as I understand it doesn’t allow for deities as I am trying to understand them.

One of the reasons I have always been comfortable with the label “Pagan” and not “Wiccan” is because of my lack of regular deity worship.

Part of me feels that this is something I was missing. That I was part of the “have-nots” in a realm of “haves”. When so many have a matron and/or a patron. It sounds silly putting it down. It feels ridiculous reading it back. But it’s there nonetheless.

I have a strong connection to the elements. I have a connection to the divine.

I have plenty.

But I got so caught up in the boxes and labels.

Druid fit…mostly…pretty well…but it didn’t feel right. I tried walking towards Heathenry, but I can’t seem to fully get my mind there. I can’t let go of my modern thinking and my modern science and my modern way of life. Northern Paganism seems better- the deities of the pantheon without the great shift in thinking. But I still can’t fathom the actual participation of deity in life. I know why things happen. I know lightning is caused by opposite charged ions sparking. I know thunder is air masses being swooped together. Perhaps the deities are the ones who charge the ions and swoop the air masses.

Kitchen witch was and still is what I feel most comfortable with. Pagan. Witch. Kitchen witch.

There I go again with my boxes and my labels.

One can read through the archives of this blog and find someone who comes across as mighty confused. Someone who thought they found their way, but then walked off course. Only to, more or less, make their way back to the original path.


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