I am not a big believer in “On Monday, I will…”, whether “Monday” is the start of a new week, month, year; a new day is the best time to start. Each morning, as the sun rises, we are given a new chance to do the new thing.
Well, I have let multiple new days over multiple months lapse. I continue to not jump at opportunities, choosing inaction instead of action.
I fall back to Que Sera, Sera.
I’m going to take care of myself right now by lounging and reading, crocheting, watching trashy TV, whatever loafing around I choose to recharge. After morning mom-ing, working, evening mom-ing, and completing preparations for the next day, I just want to sit and relax. But I also want to rebuild my regular yoga practice. I want to expand on my regular yoga practice. I want to rebuild my regular spiritual practice, and expand and deepen that practice. I am having a struggle of faith. Many years ago, I felt myself to be a spiritual atheist. Then, the Gods of my mother’s people summoned me to their team. I let everyday life interrupt the spiritual, and I lost the Magickal in the mundane. Right there- I need to rekindle the Magickal in the mundane. Well, at least with thinking it out, I have my jumping point.
Anyway, I recently came across a new perspective on que sera, sera:
When it comes to things outside of our control: relationships, whether friendships, romantic relationships, or familial bond, and rejection by others, the appropriate mindset is whatever will be will be. We can put forth our best effort, but not everyone will like us, and that is ok. It’s healthier to walk away than to continue to push for it. And it’s important not to force something to happen. Whatever will be, will be.
When the focus is on one’s own effort, however, the mindset should be more of a Want, Take, Have. Any change one wishes to make to one’s life must be made through conscious and consistent efforts. This is my flounder. Perhaps I put forth so much effort into others that I am drained and not able to hone in on myself. Perhaps, however- and this is something that has been eating away at me for a while now- I am not ready to deeply reflect on how to improve myself because it would mean deep self-discovery and addressing personal faults. As someone who has felt suicidal ideations at three different life points, real self-reflection where I am looking at faults spirals into worthlessness. (Note- there were never attempts, just lots of thoughts of what if…what would happen to those left, who would care…I never thought of how, but rather what impact would my leaving have on those left, usually with a thought on “X would be better off without me because…)
I’m going to reflect slowly. I’m going to take my time. I don’t want to rush myself into something that would be detrimental to me. I deserve to feel my worthiness.