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The next evolution in SPP

Previous readings: SPP and SPP Revisited.

Witchlette has been functioning with biological terms for body parts for both males and females. She has been working with the metaphor for human reproduction that a dad has a seed that he gives to a mom, which she puts into her egg.

We have talked about how some families that have two dads use an egg from someone else and one of their own seeds. Likewise, families with two moms use a seed from someone else and one of their own eggs. Sometimes a mom doesn’t have eggs of her own and uses another woman’s egg. Same goes with a dad and his seed.

“But how does it work?”

It’s not a sunflower seed and a chicken egg. Those are two terms used to describe microscopic cells that come together to make new life. They get put together and the two microscopic cells divide into two cells. Those each divide into four. Each of those divides and now there’s 8. And so on. They divide, and grow, and specialize to make all of our body parts and body systems.

“How do they get together? How does it work?”

I put it off as long as I could. I gave you biology, but I’m not ready for mechanics. I don’t know if you’re actually ready for mechanics yet.

The next day, from seemingly out of no where, “I’m so glad I’m your daughter. I love you so much Mommy…Can you please teach me how the egg and seed work?”

I found a 3d animation, that seems like something out of my own high school health class.

“Fertilization is human reproduction through sexual intercourse”.

No questions about what is sexual intercourse. Ok.

Sperm swim across the screen.

So, those are the seeds. The biological word for them is sperm. The metaphor is seed.

“The sperm swim through the cervix…”

“So, they go in the belly button?”

That’s not the belly button.

“Oh. Ok.”

“Here a large number of the sperm die.”

“Why do they die?”

Because only one will get to the egg, and that one seed, I mean sperm, and one egg make one baby.

That’s the egg

“That’s not an egg…”

Most people, even scientists call it an egg. Biology books will also call it an ovum. Ovum is the true scientific name.

“The tightly wrapped genetic material from the sperm unravels and prepares to pair up with the genetic material from the egg”

“Wow! That’s DNA?! So that’s how it works!”

Biology for the win.

I’ve still got at least two years before we have the discussion of mechanics.

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Stronger than the Donut

It’s teacher appreciation week and my schools PTA has arranged for teachers to get goodies one day each week.

Today was donuts and I purposely did not partake.

It’s strange when I need to consider my infertility while I have two beautiful, healthy, active, kind, happy kids. My PCOS not only makes ovulation a thing that I don’t experience, but it also screws with my blood sugar. The blood sugar issues seem to be the main cause of my anovulation, as my endocrinologist wanted me to try diet changes to see if that kick started ovulation. It didn’t alone, but was necessary to continue for the modern medicine to work, which led to Witchlette.

After having Witchlette, I decided I needed to be mindful of what I ate, but not as strict as I was while trying to get pregnant.

After having Witchling, I decided to throw caution to the wind. Two hands, two kids. Yolo. Eat the cake.

Over the past few months, I have struggled more with my anxiety. I’ve struggled more with my self-esteem.

One of my self image issues has been my weight. Specifically, I carry all of my weight in my front. One of my students has made comments about my looking pregnant. Multiple times. A lot of the issue is her speaking negatively about others and not realizing when others speak that way about her she doesn’t like it. PCOS carries a lot of weight issues.

There are a lot of symptoms PCOS can present with. I don’t have all of them, but I do have quite a few.

Aside from hair issues, weight issues, actual cysts rupturing, anovulation, and blood sugar issues, anxiety and depression are a symptom of PCOS.

Sunday, after confessing to friends that I’m considering shape wear to appear trimmer, because I’m not an exerciser and YOLO-cake, I journaled about how wrong that felt. How awful it felt forming in my mind and leaving my lips. Sunday night I decided on baby steps of no dessert Sunday-Thursday.

By Tuesday morning, I was done craving sugar.

Wednesday morning, I was stronger than the donut.

YOLO-Health and Happiness (And the occasional slice of cake)

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Bedtime affirmations

Witchling has been having a rough time going to sleep after taking long naps in bed. He also has an incredibly vivid imagination that allows him to have bad dreams while he’s wide awake.

Tonight, after his third time out of bed (I was in the shower for the first two), he shared with me that he had bad dreams while laying in bed. One was about a spider, the creature, not the hero, who tied him up in a web. The other was about an evil witch that tried to put a spell on him. A third was a skeleton that attacked him while he was in the stars.

Next time you have a bad dream, regain control. Big deep breath.

My mama’s a Witch, and so am I

My mama does Magick and so do I

I have the power within me

I have all the Magick I need

This is, I think, my Craft at the core. I use it in the most practical sense, and I feel it around me regularly. As often as I can in our modern going going existence. Stop and smell the roses, stop and feel the Divine.

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Morning clouds

This morning, on the way to morning carpool drop off, Witchlette was exercising her imagination by cloud watching at red lights.

Mama! Look! There’s knitting needles in the sky, from that plane exhaust, and the wispy clouds are the knitting.

It was a gentle reminder of Frigg, mother and wool worker.

Now, I sit in dance class, peaking at Witchlette through the window while I crochet.

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Beginning the work

Epiphanies most often feel like running face first into a brick wall. They are painful realizations of imminent change.

They are the death card- it’s going to happen whether you like it or not. You can either go with it and learn from it, or fight against the tide. You’ll lose, and you’ll hurt. There will be hurt either way, but going with the tide brings the growing pains of change.

I’m a cliche machine tonight…

I started my work this morning. I journaled two pages before work.

Now, prior to bedtime, I have journaled another five. Good morning and good night pages I’m calling them.

One includes this poem, the core of the work I am doing. I’m finally fully deeply addressing instead of just letting go and moving on. Because, let’s be real, I’ve just swept it under my proverbial rug. There’s so much crap under there, it no longer lays flat.

Enough

When is enough enough?

Fullness still feels empty,

Overflowing, yet pouring.

Too fat.

Too ugly.

Too dumb.

Too much.

Too little.

Too late.

I see how you see me.

That’s all I saw.

I am rising from my ashes.

My inner banshee screams, “Enough!”

I am more than your opinions.

I am worthy.

I am loved.

I am enough.

Thank you S for providing me with the final lines tonight. Your kindness and caring and time mean more than you’ll know.

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Family update

Our family is decreasing by one.

From two grown ups, two kids, and two dogs down to one dog.

We will be saying goodbye to our Boxer, M, this week.

It made it feel real when we told the Littles this morning. Real that it was happening and real that it was hurting.

After breakfast, the kids and I sat down to play a board game and M came over and curled in my lap, as she has always been known to do. After the game, she went to the backdoor and laid out in the sun. Today will likely be the last long afternoon sun she will see.

Hubby and I did not come to this decision lightly. We thought we would lose her more than 5 years ago, when Witchlette was just two months old. We thought we would lose her before then and since then. We’ve had long nights of cluster seizures. But she’s always pulled through. She’s always come out the other side.

Her first seizure came at 6 months old, and she was diagnosed with idiopathic epilepsy at 1. We started potassium bromide around 2 and added phenol barbital when she was 5, the night we thought we would lose her, 5 years ago. Surprisingly, she is outliving her epilepsy. She hasn’t had more than one seizure at a time in over three years. She hasn’t had more than a focal tick in a year. She also has neurological issues where her backend is no longer connected to her brain. She has no control over her back legs, a rather common issue that has been exasperated by her epilepsy. She has had the neurological issue for so long, she has gradually lost muscle mass in one of her legs. As of yesterday, when I took her for her afternoon walk, she was walking on the tops of her paws- and wasn’t noticing. She falls when as she stands. She falls when she walks. As of last week, she falls when she eats.

Today, while I was bathing the Littles, the doorbell rang and there went M- rushing the door as best she could and barking up a storm. A few hours later, when I tried to get her to go for her afternoon walk, she made it from the front door to the strip of grass along the curb and lied down. After some coaxing, she rose again but only took a few more steps before she lied down again. This was my cue that we are in fact making the right decision. That while she may not be feeling any pain now, it’s likely because of nerve damage and that she should be feeling pain. She constantly scrapes her feet and drips blood everywhere, but isn’t aware that it’s happening.

Before Witchlette was born, when everything seemed to go wrong and every thing seemed to fail, M was there. I went into what eventually because Witchlette’s room and sat on the floor and sobbed. All my frustration and anger, all my sorrow and mourning. She curled herself into my lab and nuzzled me as I sobbed into her.

She taught me how to handle overnights with a baby, as she herself cried all night as a pup. New environment, scared and seemingly alone. So, I slept on the floor outside her crate until she was fully house trained.

Once Witchlette was born, and again with Witchling, M joined me for every overnight feeding. She curled at me feet or sat watch at the door. When I went back to bed, she softly padded behind me. During crib naps for both kids, she slept on the floor beside both kids’ cribs to make sure her tiny humans were safe. When either baby woke, she came and got me before they cried.

She kept me company while Hubby was away for work for what seemed to be weeks at a time a few years. She guarded the house while he worked the late night live audit that had him coming home after midnight. One night, she heard him come in and bolted down stairs, barking and growling thinking he was someone else. When we wasn’t, she calmly padded back to bed.

She was always there, up until two months ago, right by my while I was doing Magick. Some times she would lie beside me. She could feel the seriousness other times and would automatically sit with her back to mine, like she had my 6. Drawing tarot cards, pulling Runes, or journaling, I could always count on her head nuzzling into my lap. She helped me ground while I meditated, giving my breath guidance and allowing me to put my focus on her heartbeat. She hasn’t been able to climb the stairs, where my main working altar is. And I haven’t been able to do deep Magick so workings since then. I’m only just now putting the two together…

Thank you for leaving your paw prints on my heart. Thank you for being a part of my journey.